Skippy Stalin is a blogger that I have come to admire lately. While some of his views may not line up with mine, I find his postings to be very entertaining and somewhat informative. I especially enjoyed his piece on Tyson and I share a lot of the sentiment that he presented in that piece.
Having stated that, I must also say that do not agree with his taste in women. Meh, to each his own. While a three day cocaine, vodka and blowjob bender with Lindsay Lohan may have appealed to me decades ago...should I ever be so lucky to survive an event like that today...it could, nonetheless, very well convince me to contribute to Penthouse. For what it's worth, I have found that skinny, fluffy chicks are so nineties and, quite frankly, really fucking boring.
They say that emulation is the sincerest form of flattery and even if my prose couldn't hold a candle to Skippy's, since he's such a damn good writer, I have to balance the scales (no pun intended) a bit. So it's in that spirit that I present to you the first in a series called Fat Chicks I Think Are Hot
Fat chicks are where it's at baby! Now, I don't mean the roll 'em in flour and look for the wet spot variety...that's just plain icky. I'm talking about the women with dangerous curves! I don't know about you folks, but that Dove advertisement with the so-called ordinary women on it...gives me wood everytime.
Come on, admit it...you've been there and done that and given the chance, you'd probably do it again. And I'll tell you why...they are freakin' awesome in bed. I forget the movie, but the actor was Dudley Moore (PBUH) and he summed it up best when he asked the age old question, "Why do fat chicks cum a lot?" I really don't have the answer for that one...but I sure as hell know that they do. Well, on to big and better things...
From the land of bad teeth, warm beer and big titties hails a woman that can cook me breakfast anytime. Yeah, so she's getting a little long in the tooth, but I'd bet you a paycheck that she'd give you a run for your money in both the bedroom and the kitchen. She's none other than my favorite kitchen-mate, Nigella Lawson.
Nigella Lucy Lawson, born on January 6, 1960, is the daughter of Nigel Lawson, Baron of Blaby, a former Chancellor of the Exchequer, and Vanessa Salmon, whose family owned the J. Lyons and Co. empire...blah blah blah. Although I don't really give a shit about her pedigree, it indicates that she probably had a damn good English nanny upbringing which most likely resulted in producing a damn fine woman that you could take just about anywhere and do damn near anything with, without having to resort to Chris Brown style behaviour just to keep things in check.
She graduated from fucking Oxford with an MA in medieval languages for Chrissakes! That most likely means she's not a stupid bimbo like Lohan et.al. This has its benefits, since you can be rest assured that she's only going to open her mouth to put something good in (groan) or let something intellegent out...which further bolsters my Chris Brown hypothesis. Also, what's hotter than cuddling up in front of the big screen with a woman with rack like hers who is actually into watching Braveheart and then capping the night with several hours of sweaty, jiggly romping with a gal who can scream "fuck me" in Dalmatian?
The Food Network served no other purpose in my life but to give my hard-on a half hour alone with this sweetheart of culinary temptation. That is, unless I felt especially miserable enough to watch that jack-ass Ramsey treat people like shit...but unfortunately for him he lacks the enormous Nigella-like mommybags necessary to overcome my really short attention span. Yes, Nigella Feasts is food porn at its finest and it's a shame that the show is no longer aired in Canada.
That's the thing with Nigella - she can even make spaghetti look really fucking hot! And the really hot thing about it is that she knows it. Case in point...The other day, I was...ahem...researching Nigella a bit and I stumbled upon this blurb in an on-line article:
The TV chef and sex symbol believes there's nothing tastier than a pair of stockings and revealed she even goes to bed wearing just stockings and stiletto heels.
Nigella told Britain's Esquire magazine: "Stockings never fail to make you feel sexy.
"I like hold-ups, but the problem is if you've got too much meat at the top, you get a bulge there. So I often wear those over-the-knee French schoolgirl socks.
"But I know men like the whole strappy thing of suspenders, so I'll wear them.
"I've worn them with nothing but a pair of shoes in bed before."
If anyone has pictures of this...or of Nigella eating a banana...e-mail me or leave comments! Now I know she's a bit thick in the booty, but my goodness you have to admit she paints a stunning picture. I don't give a shit what you're into, because curves like that and big English juggies just a'hangin, creamy thighs accented with stockings, suspenders stretched across meaty ramming speed hips, and then topped off with a pair of fuck-me pumps will do it to me every...single...time.
So there you are folks, Nigella Lawson is the first in a series of Fat Chicks I Think Are Hot! I will leave you now with a wee bit of food porn, for your viewing pleasure...
Thanks for the kind words.
ReplyDeleteI will say that none of the women that you presented were actually fat, just averagely full-figured.
Well, I'm here to say that the best sex I've ever had has been with with women who well above my weight class. Well, well above it it. Either because they just like to eat a lot or because they've been shitting out kids like a fucking M-16, it doesn't matter. Those girls will go out of their way to please a man.
On my blog I tend to present the ideal because, well, it's the ideal. People seem to like it. Oh, and because I'm a prick who enjoys making everybody feel as badly about themselves as I do.
For example, Nigella is awfully goddamned old. That I've had older women really doesn't make a difference to my writing style. That I might not feel that way personally doesn't mean that making fun of an otherwise incredibly hot woman's age isn't funny.
That, my friend, is the secret. Be a narcissitic asshole whenever possible. The secret is being a miserable human being. You'd be surprised how well that works. Really, you would. Once you get that down, the rest is easy.
My stupid blog doesn't many hits at all, and I couldn't make a dime from it if I used it to sell blood. But it has gotten me laid. More than once, too.
It's also psychological. If you write about a skinny coke-whore with giant knockers like La Lohan eating your ass with a certain amount of, shall we say, vigour, regular hot girls will feel compelled to demonstrate that they can do it even better. To some broads it's like have cuter shoes than the popular broad.
Now do I know that they eat better ass than Lohan? I don't know, since I can't get Lindasy down there. Turns out that she's awfully uptight.